Saturday, May 23, 2009

T.M.I. - This Will Crack You Up....


Or not...

All of my growing up, from about 5 or 6 years old, I was skinny. I looked anorexic before there was ever a word for it. Both of my sisters were skinny... all three of my brothers were skinny... we all were fortunate to have high metabolism. We were all active kids from the time we got up until we went to bed, unless we were in a good book and then you couldn't hardly peel us away from it to go and do something.

People used to tell me you need to eat. You're too skinny. My middle brother Walter and I went to the gym back in the 80's, when I was living in Ft. Worth the first time, to try and gain weight. Please don't throw rocks at me for talking about having trouble gaining weight. It happens.

Anyhow... I worked hard, I played hard, I ate hardy but I was skinny.



I didn't think anything about it nor did any of my family, because we all knew I ate... pretty much anything and everything. The doctor we went to even had me drink a milkshake with a raw egg in it every night, trying to put some weight on me.

The same doctor that told momma to get some Mogan David wine and have me drink a couple of ounces 45 minutes before a meal to boost my appetite. That's the only time I've ever known my daddy to go to a liquor store for something to drink. My mom would soak rag squares in wine
or Southern Comfort to wrap up her fruitcakes at Christmas-time, but momma never touched liquor with her lips. Daddy would drink a little wine if he had a bad cold with a cough, but never were they drinkers.

But, I digress... I was always pretty much like a board... no boobs, no butt and not much of a waist. Didn't seem to matter what I ate, or drank or anything. That was just because of my metabolism. The very same metabolism that flat-assed abandoned me when I hit menopause. Sorry if any of you fellows are reading this... but it happens and if you don't know about it by now... you will.

In what seems like no time at all I was having to get bigger everything... under wear and outer wear... I got shorter (as we all do), I got squarer... Instead of a 2X4, I progressed to being a 4X4... Then the awfullest thing happened.

My belly got bigger than my butt. I think that this just happened to coincide with my learning about computers... I'd buy my slacks and jeans to where they fit my belly comfortable because I'm all about comfort in how my clothes feel on me. I didn't care if it looked like you could raise a litter of puppies in the bottoms of my jeans, I just don't like them binding around my waist.

Now here's the problem. When I get dressed in the morning, particularly if I'm going to be working outside, which is mostly what I do, everything feels good and snug and comfortable. After I'm working a while, getting hot and sweaty, the waist of my jeans start stretching... and dropping, and stretching and dropping some more. As a result... if I forget to put on a belt when I start out... I fit right in with the country living lifestyle of the southern Bubba. Things are sure what they are cracked up to be in the country. And if you have any sense of propriaty, you may want to stop reading this post now because of in the intrest of keeping it real, a photo without a butterfly is fixing to be on this post...

WARNING.... WARNING....

IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE OFFENDED...

BY THE DRESS STYLE (OR NOT)...

OF THE SOUTHERN BUBBA SPECIES...

GO NO FURTHER!!!
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I can't, for the life of me, figure out how this is comfortable to the kids, especially the males of the species, because it makes me crazy.

And this whole post seemed like a good Saturday post, because I once again forgot to put on my dang belt until it was almost too late.


THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT... IF YOU ARE TAKING A DRIVE IN THE COUNTRY, BE PREPARED TO COVER YOUR EYES A TIME OR TWO DURING YOUR DRIVE.

27 comments:

Lonicera said...

Helen - love this post! Laughed and laughed. I thought we were going to see a picture of you gardening with your jeans round your ankles! The picture showed what in the UK is known as builder's bum, and for very good reason. You see them all the time in the summer... Why they don't care, or think we find it sexy, is one of life's great mysteries.
Caroline

Laura ~Peach~ said...

ROTFLMAO~~~ I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HAVE THOSE GENES FOR A MONTH...i have always been the exact opposite... and my britches fall down in the FRONT even with a darn belt on... I LOVE you helen you make my day!

Michel said...

okay, because my powers of observation are STELLAR, I now know that your name is helen....

although I was seriously hating HATING you at first, I can accept you as a friend now that I realize the enforced skinniness ended. THANK GOODNESS!

Welcome to the world of the rest of us. I would like to be the first to welcome you and tell you that I accept you.

I do not, however, accept the plumbers crack. Pls let them know that this is NEVER going to come into style and if I get all drunk and put a few dimes and quarters down the crack...it happens.

I'm just saying. It's a public service.

Terry said...

Okay I have a complaint !
You forgot to tell me I would need to wear depends to keep reading :) LOL
I am rolling with laughter at the moment.
Oh I do love coming by here I always feel so much better being reminded I am not alone .
For the love of mike can anyone explain how one day you wake up and an alien has taken over your body while you were fast asleep .The last sleep by the way without all the night time sweats ..
Anyway I actually came by to wish a Happy Memorial Weekend .
Blessings to you .
Hugs

darsden said...

rotflmfao...I found everything you didn't lol...except for the plumbers crack! too funny

Tina said...

Girl you need some overalls! I prefer the blue and white stripe myself as they have a slimming effect :) Put these babies on and you can bend and stretch and no plumbers butt is possible. The only down side is that if you are not adept at buckles post- menopause or even post childbirth for that matter an emergency rush to the toilet can go awry!

I used to have a couple of pairs of overalls that were shorts but I now have my eye on the stipey pair at ranch and home. I have a few more pounds to lose so I can fit into them...but as a skinny girl (even though you suffer from butt drift-as I call it or all gut and no butt as is my mom's favorite) you should be able to wear them and look great too!!

Debbie Jean said...

Oh Helen, you crack me up!! No pun intended..LOL.

Oh to have your metabolism. I could only wonder what it would be like to eat and not worry!! Of course being diabetic and 8 shots a day doesn't help..

keep the funnies coming. I love your posts!!!

God bless~
Debbie Jean

Pastor Sharon said...

Helen - you are too funny. I just read another favorite funny blog and came directly to this one. . . big mistake.. . now I don't have plumber's crack but wet pants. . .be back later. . . gotta run!

Robynn's Ravings said...

Oh Helen!! I am BUSTIN' a SEAM over here and it ain't because of my belly (tho Lord knows it could be)!!!! ROFLLOL!

Raisin' the pups in your jeans put me over the top! I was like you - a skinny minny kid. Those doctors hated us skinnny kids and they tried to force me to eat. They'd be so proud now. My brother wouldn't let me sit on his lap because he said my butt was too boney. I'm not sure I even HAVE bones in there anymore. I don't think you could prove it.

Thanks for the hysterical laugh my friend!

K. T. Sparks said...

Man I wish I had your problem!
No doctor ever said anything like that to my momma!!! :)
Helen when did you take that picture of Ross?

Lisa said...

ha ha ha...ho ho ho, I am laughing at you my friend. Offended?? No, but for the life of me, can't figure out how or why you would want to post a picture of your butt-less!!!

Roslyn said...

It isn't just the southern bubbas but the current craze is to have your jeans around your..... .well, you know where!You are too funny!

Tipper said...

Just when I think you can't suprise me again-you do! Hilarious! You are so sincere and honest-I just wish you lived down the road from me so I could visit you in person :)

(I was blessed with the skinny gene too-and was forced to drink a milkshake before bed in an effort to put on some weight-but it never worked)

farmlady said...

You "crack" me up, Helen. Somewhere along the way we fall from grace and our bodies betray us. Too bad we can't buy new ones every 10 years or so. Oh well.
Very funny!!

Sara said...

I got a great laugh from this post. I too was a skinny minny all the time I was growing up. I got whole milk while the other glasses at the table had skim. And - like you - my good metabolism abandoned me. Thanks for the belly laugh this morning!!

Tatersmama said...

I was a skinny Minnie for most of my life as well, and used to pray that I could have "womanly curves and a rounded butt".
So it goes to show, you should be careful of what you ask for - because I got it, in spades!

But I've come to the conclusion that we're *supposed* to get softer as we get older. That's my opinion anyway, and I'm stickin' to it.

DocSly said...

Helen, you are too funny. I laughed until I cried. For gosh sakes, don't forget your belt! Here's to the metabolism some of us got and some didn't.

Aleta said...

LMAO - great story. I wish I had that type of metabolism - at ANY point in my life. While in High School and College, I worked out every day and had not a speck of fat on me.... after a divorce and thyroid problem, well, let's not go there.

Funny picture. Lol.

Twisted Fencepost said...

Cracked me up!
I am also a product of computer butt. I was a skinny kid, with sharp tail bones, as my Mother would point out when I sat on her lap.
And what gets me about the sagging pants is when they try to run, they have to hold their pants up to keep them from falling around their ankles, causing them to fall on their face. Just once I'd like to see that happen. Maybe it would break them of that nasty sagging habit.

Nola said...

Just be careful someone doesn't come along and swipe their credit card down that crack!!! hahahahaaa
I loved this post....I am sneaking a read at work and trying not to laugh out loud and get into trouble!!!

jojo said...

Thanks for the warning! And by the way...you have the cutest darn little butt I've seen in a long time...;p

Debbie said...

I bet you had no idea a butt post would generate so many comments!!!

Laughed my butt off at you, you NUT!
Keepin it honest and that's what makes it a great read. I used to have metabolism and it too went out with menopause. Sucks. A friend of mine commented on my baggy assed pants and I told her it was because of the huge waist on these babies.

Have to live with it LOL!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Loved it. Made me smile!!

Hallie :)

Ronda said...

Just too funny for the first day back to work! I love your sense of humor! It is priceless!!!!

Michelle said...

Just say no to crack!!

You are too funny lady. And brave. I would never put my ass crack on the blog for the world to comment on. That is your ass crack, right?

I just commented to my hubby yesterday about these 2 young, um, gentlement, who had to hold their pants up in front with one hand so they could walk. WTF!

Mary Ellen said...

I just love coming here. That might be the best post ever! You're one of a kind, Helen - don't ever change!

Alice said...

You are just too cute. TOO CUTE!!