Saturday, May 23, 2009
T.M.I. - This Will Crack You Up....
All of my growing up, from about 5 or 6 years old, I was skinny. I looked anorexic before there was ever a word for it. Both of my sisters were skinny... all three of my brothers were skinny... we all were fortunate to have high metabolism. We were all active kids from the time we got up until we went to bed, unless we were in a good book and then you couldn't hardly peel us away from it to go and do something.
People used to tell me you need to eat. You're too skinny. My middle brother Walter and I went to the gym back in the 80's, when I was living in Ft. Worth the first time, to try and gain weight. Please don't throw rocks at me for talking about having trouble gaining weight. It happens.
Anyhow... I worked hard, I played hard, I ate hardy but I was skinny.
I didn't think anything about it nor did any of my family, because we all knew I ate... pretty much anything and everything. The doctor we went to even had me drink a milkshake with a raw egg in it every night, trying to put some weight on me.
The same doctor that told momma to get some Mogan David wine and have me drink a couple of ounces 45 minutes before a meal to boost my appetite. That's the only time I've ever known my daddy to go to a liquor store for something to drink. My mom would soak rag squares in wine
or Southern Comfort to wrap up her fruitcakes at Christmas-time, but momma never touched liquor with her lips. Daddy would drink a little wine if he had a bad cold with a cough, but never were they drinkers.
But, I digress... I was always pretty much like a board... no boobs, no butt and not much of a waist. Didn't seem to matter what I ate, or drank or anything. That was just because of my metabolism. The very same metabolism that flat-assed abandoned me when I hit menopause. Sorry if any of you fellows are reading this... but it happens and if you don't know about it by now... you will.
In what seems like no time at all I was having to get bigger everything... under wear and outer wear... I got shorter (as we all do), I got squarer... Instead of a 2X4, I progressed to being a 4X4... Then the awfullest thing happened.
My belly got bigger than my butt. I think that this just happened to coincide with my learning about computers... I'd buy my slacks and jeans to where they fit my belly comfortable because I'm all about comfort in how my clothes feel on me. I didn't care if it looked like you could raise a litter of puppies in the bottoms of my jeans, I just don't like them binding around my waist.
Now here's the problem. When I get dressed in the morning, particularly if I'm going to be working outside, which is mostly what I do, everything feels good and snug and comfortable. After I'm working a while, getting hot and sweaty, the waist of my jeans start stretching... and dropping, and stretching and dropping some more. As a result... if I forget to put on a belt when I start out... I fit right in with the country living lifestyle of the southern Bubba. Things are sure what they are cracked up to be in the country. And if you have any sense of propriaty, you may want to stop reading this post now because of in the intrest of keeping it real, a photo without a butterfly is fixing to be on this post...
IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE OFFENDED...
BY THE DRESS STYLE (OR NOT)...
OF THE SOUTHERN BUBBA SPECIES...
GO NO FURTHER!!!
I can't, for the life of me, figure out how this is comfortable to the kids, especially the males of the species, because it makes me crazy.
And this whole post seemed like a good Saturday post, because I once again forgot to put on my dang belt until it was almost too late.
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT... IF YOU ARE TAKING A DRIVE IN THE COUNTRY, BE PREPARED TO COVER YOUR EYES A TIME OR TWO DURING YOUR DRIVE.