I've Been Too Long At The Fair...

I wish. Of all things I enjoy doing one of the top things on my list is going to the State Fair. It is one of those things that Carol and I both enjoy. We don't care about the rides but we love to go through all the buildings... Seeing all things from quilts, woodcarvings, photographs, butter sculpture, all sorts of crafts and foods... pies, cakes, cookies, canned goods, on to cut flowers, veggies of all sorts entered and hoping for best of show ribbons and recognition from their peers.

We like to look at all the things the school kids make, create, draw, paint and, again, cook and enter for perusal and judgement feeling their excitement emanating from their works or perhaps that's just my over-active imagination and recall from back in the olden days when I would enter poster drawing contests in grade school and be so excited, especially when news would come back that I'd won a ribbon... recognition for my creative abilities.

We also enjoy sampling a variety of "fair foods"... We both have our favorites and what we usually do is buy something, share it, wander and look some more, buy another food, share it and wander on to the next thing... for sure we always end up with a funnel cake, usually taking it to the car as we leave to munch on as we drive home.

This year none of the above happened. We would like for it to have happened, I mean we aren't getting any younger you know, but due to financial problems (van troubles that needed repair) and my feeling lousy and having doctor bills to pay... We didn't go to the fair.

But I digress... I've been too long from my blog. As I had shared with you all I have been having a hard time dealing with depression. I went to my GI on Sept. 13th for my appointment. My liver enzymes were still off, including another one that hadn't been up before. I've really got my doc scratching his head now. I told him that I really was not trying to be his difficult patient and he said if this keeps up I'm going to end up at the Liver Center at Mercy or Baptist Hospital. Geez. And as if I wasn't sleeping poorly enough, he jacked my Prednisone, a steroid, to 40 mg. a day and put me on Imuran, the long term med he had said he was going to prescribe after that first month of steroids got my ducts settled down which they didn't but he started me on the Imuran anyhow. It takes a while for the Imuran to build up in my system and he will start reducing the steroids a bit at a time. If any of you have been on an extended steroid regimen you know how it can mess with you. The news of possibly having to go to the hospital for tests was not exactly the news I was hoping for when I went to my appointment and I came home angry, frustrated and even more depressed. Am I ever going to feel human again?!

I called and made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I went to see him today. He upped my Cymbalta and also had me get some homeopathic stuff. Melatonin to try to help me rest and B-50 to help do something else, fish oil for something else and a prescription for folic acid to help with the liver. Don't misunderstand me... I'm more than willing to try this regimen for the next month and will try to document if it helps and at my next appointment we will determine if there has been any improvement in the depression. If so I will continue taking the vitamins along with the antidepressant and if not we will take the next step whatever that may be.

So I bit the bullet and took your all's advice and, better late than never, made the call for help. I hope that I will be able to soon report that the black cloud has lifted and is finally under some form of control. Better living through chemistry, don't 'cha know... Seriously I knew I needed some help to break the cycle but just kept putting it off thinking I could pull myself up by my bootstraps like I had in times before but I just didn't have the reserves this time. I think the extraordinary heat of the summer, along with the physical ailments that I've been dealing with the last 8 months just wore me down so I want to thank you all for standing behind me, encouraging me to get some help to deal with all this... You probably should have been kicking me in the butt to get me to move on it a little quicker but at least I'm in the works now and will follow through until at least my mind is better...

My next blood work and GI appointment is scheduled for the 27th of this month. I'll keep you posted on what is determined at that appointment. But I will post something between now and then so you all will know I'm still alive!

I will try to not stay quiet for this long again. Thanks to each and every one of you for checking on me and encouraging me. And I really, really mean it.

These Are The Nights…

Or mornings that try women’s souls.  The nights that drag by, the nights that it seems I hear every clock tick in this marvelous world of battery operated clocks that in truth, don’t…  This is one of those nights that thoughts bounce around in my head like ping pong balls, one of those nights where my mind can’t really settle on one thing to lull myself to sleep with, instead I’m jerked like a fish on a hook from one thought  to the next.

How much iodine did we mix with baby oil back in the day when it was far from any doctor’s mind that tanning might not be really very good for your skin, much less the possibility of being lethal…?

Have I ever written about learning to ride a bike on my big sister’s bike?  The one that the seat was too high for me to sit on but I wanted to learn so badly to ride that I would stand on the pedals, my hands having to reach up above my shoulders to hold onto the handlebars…

Or about the times that we, my brother and the neighbor kids and I, would have ‘hoe-downs’ in the front yard that were nothing more than our mother’s prayers being answered that we were running off the excess energy before bedtime, wrestling or chasing fireflies to catch and put in a jar with holes carefully punched in the lid so we wouldn’t suffocate them, no matter that occasionally we would pinch their glowing butts off to make rings for our fingers or a pin on our t-shirts…

Maybe it was an evening for playing ‘statue’ when the bigger kids would whirl us around and then let our hands go and how we stopped we had to hold that position… until we were itchy from falling in the grass on sweaty summer evenings until we were called in for our baths before bedtime and how sweet and fresh the sheets smelled from being hung out on the clothesline to dry in the sunshine and summer breeze back in the day before clothes ‘dryers’ came to live in our basement.

Did I ever tell you that I could dribble a basketball one hundred  times without missing a beat before I was four or that my mom had her first heart attack the summer I was twelve and I thought for years it was my fault because I had been out playing all day and she didn’t know where I was?  Of course it was no different than any other summer day when my baby brother and me and the next door neighbor had been out riding our bikes, playing in our hideouts or walking to the neighborhood store three blocks away back when kids could walk to neighborhood stores but still I knew it had to be my fault…

Or about the crush I had on the cutest boy in the sixth grade class, a little blond/tow headed kid that right now I can’t remember his last name but I can remember riding bikes with around the school yard singing every song I could think of from the musical “Oklahoma” thinkin’ I could get him to fall in love with me even though I didn’t have a clue, though I thought I did, about what love really was… probably the very first crush I ever had on anyone that I can recall right now?

Or about the crush I had on my p.e. teacher the very next year that drove that little blond/tow-headed boy that had gone on to another school right out of my memory?  And did each and every one of us have a crush on our p.e. teacher or band teacher or English teacher no matter what sex they were?

Thinking about how Hallie loves weiners and how I love schnauzers and how wonderful it is to have all these differences that make us each so unique and to really enjoy the facets that make us all bright and shining stars in a universe, a galaxy, a milky way of personalities and how we find each other by such random ways in our different worlds…  A coincidence? The birds of a feather axiom?

All these thoughts and more… and it is now six in the morning, I’ve been to bed four times only to toss and turn, finally giving in and getting up to go read stuff on FaceBook or to play Farmville or Cafe World trying to lull myself into mind numbing stupidity to slow my brain down enough to finally fall asleep and, obviously since I’m typing this missile, it hasn’t worked and since I’m going to get my hair cut at nine I will just give up, plan on staying up and hopefully watching the sun that we haven’t seen in a day or three rise in the east only to be fighting sleep in the chair while getting my hair cut or, better yet, laying getting my hair washed and my scalp massaged and feeling totally pampered…

Or is all of this brought on by withdrawal from watching more butts that you could bounce a silver dollar off of during the past two weeks, glutes and pecs and traps that were hewn and cut by hours, weeks and years of a single pursuit, a focus and a direction that I never in my a.d.h.d. life ever knew for more than, oh, perhaps twelve minutes whether in pursuit of my next meal or Olympic Gold?

Or is this no more than the sleepless ravings of a feverish mind?

Who knows…?

The Shadow knows…

Who cares?

Hallie, when did you corner the market on Ambien and why won’t you share?